Where to begin
Aug. 21st, 2001 01:17 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
iron_and_silverwell i figured tonight would be a good night to discuss my father here.
his awful unexpected visit, i need to vent.
During my childhood, he was never awful. He chose his church over his family. He gave spankings and all, but he always had a good heart. I remember him vividly picking me up in my little sunday dress with his arms around me (i was like 3,4, or 5?) and i could smell his cologne. It was my very first memory of safety. He had such such strong arms. I knew inside his arms, nothing bad could happen. Whenever i feel lost or way beyond comfortable vulnerbility, i remember those arms..
But due to some bad financial decisions, our finances started to go bad. Bills began to pile up and he lashed out.
The first time, he got mad because i had my radio he had given me up to loud and he ended up standing over me as i crouched up on the bathroom floor in fear. He stood over me with firey rage in his eyes with a thick white belt. my mother saved me. I was 10 i think..
He later began to call me names as often as possible. he told a me, then 15 years old, that no man will ever love me. He always wanted to get that point across. (its hard to get over that) I went to him for encouragement on my poetry/writings. He insulted me and my work every single time. But i kept at it.
My mother got to the point where she would tell us (me and my bro) to walk softly and make no noise in the house as my father slept because she didnt want him to hurt us. yeah, thats hard to do.
There was also came a time where he and my mother argued so hard, that my dad threw my mother into the kitchen counter. me and my brother huddled in tears at the thought that our parents would divorce. (me and him were 8 and 9) Those were hard tears.
As the years rolled on (i asked my mother to divorce my father a number of times from age 14 til 17. i gave up then)we knew when they were coming. Holidays you could always count on him having emotional outburts. I stopped looking forward to christmas, thanksgiving, hell even labor day.
My mother thought love could save him and tried counseling. he refused to go.
"All I need is god. you people are heathens. thats why you have to go to youth meetings febe." - my father.
There were 3 incidents before my mom kicked him out. the first time was insanely stupid. He yelled at me to make his bed. I said no. we got into a screaming match and it ended up with me on the floor clutching his bedspread in tears.
"I LOVE YOU LITTLE GIRL. THATS WHY I DO THIS. UNDERSTAND ME??" - my father screaming red faced and bulge eyed standing over me that day..right before my mom came home. Age 17
The next was even more stupid.
He has made such a deal about me online. So when my brother called that night to be picked up, i made sure to ask him several times if it was ok if i got on. Each time he said, fine and he didnt care. When he got home and saw me online, he threw back the chair i was sitting in, knocking off my glasses and attempting to hit me. My mothers hands kept getting in the way. thank god. Meanwhile, im trying to scratch him to get him off. He gets off, goes to the phone and calls the cops. He starts to tell him i attacked him then my brother gets on the line and says it was the other way around.
Cops come. One is a guy from our church. When the cops arrive, my dad is sitting peacefully sitting in a chair kicking back to his favorite instrumental tape. Everyone else is crying their eyes out. We go to court. I got a ticket for assault (the fingernail scratches) as does my father.
My mom drops both charges basically to save my ass. Age 17. summer.
Things settle down somewot. Me and my father make peace. I forgive him for everything. to start fresh. We both cry and hug. i'll never forget..my mom worried, shaking her head.
Then early december '98.
I got home from college early. I was checking my email and doing my thing. My dad comes home. yells at me to get off cuz my brother might call.
"It's ok. i'll get signed off. i promise."
By now he's screaming so i get off.
Screaming is horrific. I began to fear for my life. He backs me up into the kitchen.
I grab the nearest knife. he is now swearing he is going to call the cops on me and have me sent away. I'm in tears.
Phone Rings. I would find out later it was really my mom, but he pretends its my brother.
"Alfred heeeellppp!! heeellppp!" -me
"You are staying over? ok..bye now."
My mom heard me screaming (she worked 30min. away) and rushed home.
meanwhile, i put the knife down.
he orders me to my room. I go there. he follows me. I turn around and try to get out. he puts himself in my doorway. No way out. i give up and he slams the door. i'm pacing. i need air.
(crying) "I think im going to throw up. i need to use the bathroom. pleeease"
"no"
"please.."
He lets me go. i stare into the mirror, redfaced and everything a mess.
"I don't hear you throwing up. (storms in and points a finger at me.) I don't care how much a rebel you are. You WILL obey me!!!"
He watches me go back into my room. im pacing..i must get help.
MY MOM'S WORK NUMBER ON THE COMPUTER DESK.
I peek out my doorway, hes not near the door.
I run to the living room. He hears me leave.
I take the number and shove it down my pants. He pushes me onto the couch and gets on top of me.
He is trying desperatly to get the number. I look up and scream my dead uncle's name (his brother and my fav uncle) my mothers deceased father (still trying to keep his hands out of my pants) and then god himself. once he hears god, its like he snaps out of it. He jumps off me, blinks, looks dazed and orders me to my room once again.
I make a dash for the front door and outside to freedom. He runs after me, but a neighbor sees him and he runs back inside. I realize its december and im barefoot. I walk halfway down the block and feel lost. Where can i go? My 2 best friends live down the street, but wot if they arent home?
sigh.
I decide to go back into the house. I plan to grab shoes and then make a mad dash.
I go up to my house, hes in my car, driving off. I grab my shoes, coat and start walking. I remember how crisp the grass was. I just remember the ground.
Halfway down the road, a car pulls up.
I look over, its my next door neighbor. no, not the one that saw him. she offers me a ride and then she pulls into a mcdonalds up the road. she lets me use her cell phone to call home. no answer. she decides to drop me home and there is heaven..
my mom is waiting for me in the driveway. i thank the neighbor and go and hug my mother.
I layed in bed the rest of the night. my brother came in to check on me, i thought it was my dad, accidently slapped him. he was hurt, so he tried to get back at me, i still thinking it was my dad, scream bloody murder. My mom comes in and explains to my bro. he understands.
We got a protection order against him the next month. he has been gone since then. it expired the following year. My parents are still married.
They will never divorce. they both came from abusive homes. but my mom made a choice not to abuse.
Tonight he came over and started preaching. Also saying, when he comes back, his rules will rule.
He said i have soo much rage and that i'm emotionally abusive to him because i say i'd rather have my dogs than him.
I cried infront of him. grr. damnit.
I cried after he left, in my mothers arms.
Its so hard..its like watching those same arms, but with a different soul. I ache to be in those arms but its not him anymore. that man is dead.
The one man in the entire universe who is to protect and love me always, the one man who is to love me forever and never hurt me, hurt me more than anyone has or ever will.
Thank you, dad.
his awful unexpected visit, i need to vent.
During my childhood, he was never awful. He chose his church over his family. He gave spankings and all, but he always had a good heart. I remember him vividly picking me up in my little sunday dress with his arms around me (i was like 3,4, or 5?) and i could smell his cologne. It was my very first memory of safety. He had such such strong arms. I knew inside his arms, nothing bad could happen. Whenever i feel lost or way beyond comfortable vulnerbility, i remember those arms..
But due to some bad financial decisions, our finances started to go bad. Bills began to pile up and he lashed out.
The first time, he got mad because i had my radio he had given me up to loud and he ended up standing over me as i crouched up on the bathroom floor in fear. He stood over me with firey rage in his eyes with a thick white belt. my mother saved me. I was 10 i think..
He later began to call me names as often as possible. he told a me, then 15 years old, that no man will ever love me. He always wanted to get that point across. (its hard to get over that) I went to him for encouragement on my poetry/writings. He insulted me and my work every single time. But i kept at it.
My mother got to the point where she would tell us (me and my bro) to walk softly and make no noise in the house as my father slept because she didnt want him to hurt us. yeah, thats hard to do.
There was also came a time where he and my mother argued so hard, that my dad threw my mother into the kitchen counter. me and my brother huddled in tears at the thought that our parents would divorce. (me and him were 8 and 9) Those were hard tears.
As the years rolled on (i asked my mother to divorce my father a number of times from age 14 til 17. i gave up then)we knew when they were coming. Holidays you could always count on him having emotional outburts. I stopped looking forward to christmas, thanksgiving, hell even labor day.
My mother thought love could save him and tried counseling. he refused to go.
"All I need is god. you people are heathens. thats why you have to go to youth meetings febe." - my father.
There were 3 incidents before my mom kicked him out. the first time was insanely stupid. He yelled at me to make his bed. I said no. we got into a screaming match and it ended up with me on the floor clutching his bedspread in tears.
"I LOVE YOU LITTLE GIRL. THATS WHY I DO THIS. UNDERSTAND ME??" - my father screaming red faced and bulge eyed standing over me that day..right before my mom came home. Age 17
The next was even more stupid.
He has made such a deal about me online. So when my brother called that night to be picked up, i made sure to ask him several times if it was ok if i got on. Each time he said, fine and he didnt care. When he got home and saw me online, he threw back the chair i was sitting in, knocking off my glasses and attempting to hit me. My mothers hands kept getting in the way. thank god. Meanwhile, im trying to scratch him to get him off. He gets off, goes to the phone and calls the cops. He starts to tell him i attacked him then my brother gets on the line and says it was the other way around.
Cops come. One is a guy from our church. When the cops arrive, my dad is sitting peacefully sitting in a chair kicking back to his favorite instrumental tape. Everyone else is crying their eyes out. We go to court. I got a ticket for assault (the fingernail scratches) as does my father.
My mom drops both charges basically to save my ass. Age 17. summer.
Things settle down somewot. Me and my father make peace. I forgive him for everything. to start fresh. We both cry and hug. i'll never forget..my mom worried, shaking her head.
Then early december '98.
I got home from college early. I was checking my email and doing my thing. My dad comes home. yells at me to get off cuz my brother might call.
"It's ok. i'll get signed off. i promise."
By now he's screaming so i get off.
Screaming is horrific. I began to fear for my life. He backs me up into the kitchen.
I grab the nearest knife. he is now swearing he is going to call the cops on me and have me sent away. I'm in tears.
Phone Rings. I would find out later it was really my mom, but he pretends its my brother.
"Alfred heeeellppp!! heeellppp!" -me
"You are staying over? ok..bye now."
My mom heard me screaming (she worked 30min. away) and rushed home.
meanwhile, i put the knife down.
he orders me to my room. I go there. he follows me. I turn around and try to get out. he puts himself in my doorway. No way out. i give up and he slams the door. i'm pacing. i need air.
(crying) "I think im going to throw up. i need to use the bathroom. pleeease"
"no"
"please.."
He lets me go. i stare into the mirror, redfaced and everything a mess.
"I don't hear you throwing up. (storms in and points a finger at me.) I don't care how much a rebel you are. You WILL obey me!!!"
He watches me go back into my room. im pacing..i must get help.
MY MOM'S WORK NUMBER ON THE COMPUTER DESK.
I peek out my doorway, hes not near the door.
I run to the living room. He hears me leave.
I take the number and shove it down my pants. He pushes me onto the couch and gets on top of me.
He is trying desperatly to get the number. I look up and scream my dead uncle's name (his brother and my fav uncle) my mothers deceased father (still trying to keep his hands out of my pants) and then god himself. once he hears god, its like he snaps out of it. He jumps off me, blinks, looks dazed and orders me to my room once again.
I make a dash for the front door and outside to freedom. He runs after me, but a neighbor sees him and he runs back inside. I realize its december and im barefoot. I walk halfway down the block and feel lost. Where can i go? My 2 best friends live down the street, but wot if they arent home?
sigh.
I decide to go back into the house. I plan to grab shoes and then make a mad dash.
I go up to my house, hes in my car, driving off. I grab my shoes, coat and start walking. I remember how crisp the grass was. I just remember the ground.
Halfway down the road, a car pulls up.
I look over, its my next door neighbor. no, not the one that saw him. she offers me a ride and then she pulls into a mcdonalds up the road. she lets me use her cell phone to call home. no answer. she decides to drop me home and there is heaven..
my mom is waiting for me in the driveway. i thank the neighbor and go and hug my mother.
I layed in bed the rest of the night. my brother came in to check on me, i thought it was my dad, accidently slapped him. he was hurt, so he tried to get back at me, i still thinking it was my dad, scream bloody murder. My mom comes in and explains to my bro. he understands.
We got a protection order against him the next month. he has been gone since then. it expired the following year. My parents are still married.
They will never divorce. they both came from abusive homes. but my mom made a choice not to abuse.
Tonight he came over and started preaching. Also saying, when he comes back, his rules will rule.
He said i have soo much rage and that i'm emotionally abusive to him because i say i'd rather have my dogs than him.
I cried infront of him. grr. damnit.
I cried after he left, in my mothers arms.
Its so hard..its like watching those same arms, but with a different soul. I ache to be in those arms but its not him anymore. that man is dead.
The one man in the entire universe who is to protect and love me always, the one man who is to love me forever and never hurt me, hurt me more than anyone has or ever will.
Thank you, dad.
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no subject
Date: 2001-08-21 07:15 pm (UTC)my parents always asked me what was the deal with your dad, because your mom said something about abuse to them, but they weren't sure of the story (we both know neither of our parents will go into full detail about things).
i'm so sorry febe. i want to hug you goddamit.
no subject
Date: 2001-08-21 08:11 pm (UTC)ive lived with it for years.
lol yeah i know..our parents come from the time when u didnt really discuss it.