i love this ending

[iron_and_silver]

Febe Ramirez



Ode to a Pouty Lip

It’s the small ounce of wet flesh
always trying to escape
your rich mouth.
Your dictator teeth
capture it when it has
broken their boundaries.

Just once
I want to attempt an escape
with you;
your fugitive flesh can hide
between my rogue lips.

Our teeth will engage in war;
Hot dangerous scenes of grinding metal
thousands of star-like
Sparks will soar.
The space between our mouths
Will give birth to an open universe.

Our Juices will be it’s first rain.


this is my fav poem that ive written this month.

Comments

[onebeatpoet.livejournal.com]

i like it a lot

[iron_and_silver]

thanx shayna:-)

[kestrelderyn.livejournal.com]

Great poem.

I'm trying to decide, though, how I feel about the line "hot dangerous scenes of grinding metal."

I think it is a great line, but I was trying to figure out if it fit in with the soft, dream-like sensuality of the rest of the poem. But perhaps it does work as a major shift in the poem - I think I can see it now as a more passionate edge to counter the "soft, dream-like sensuality" I mentioned that I see in the poem.

Meow. I really like it, though.

(and I just want to let you know that I rarely give out compliments on friends poems unless I REALLY mean it!)

[iron_and_silver]

lol thanx. yeah i had "freedom" as the last lines but it didnt really work. it was to abstract.

and im the same way. i dont compliment unless i mean it. thanx for the comments!