Replaced by a puppet

Shortly after starting college, I was at a local rave. It pretty much sucked. Horrible music and weak drugs! As I was about to blow this joint, my car rear ended another. Out pops this gorgeous, sexy guy. I immediately make like I am the helpless woman, and his rage melts away. He says that it is nothing, and that he can fix it himself.

Much to my surprise he takes the blame saying he should have signalled or something, and he asks me out to capuccino. I thank the stars. It seems like a beautiful predestined moment. Something out of a movie. And his name (a name I've always loved), William. The way he says it was miraculous. And after the coffee and his hilarious stories, he suggests going back to his apartment to listen to a new cd. More than willing I agree. But I shouldn't have. Because my trip to the moon, turns into a descent into Hell!

We decide to sit down and watch TV. Great, he sits right next to me. It isn't long before my top is off, his zipper is down, and Conan O'Brian is introducing a new guest, but we didn't notice. I decide we should continue this in his room. He agrees and carries me there. I'm on cloud 9. Things get too hot for me to share, but in the middle of "it" I hear a strange noise. I look over and notice that on his TV is porn, and not just any porn. Animal porn! A woman and two dogs are having sex in a barn, and William, the freak, is barking like a dog on top of me. I scream, "What the hell." And he says that he can't do it without this. He thinks I'm really special and that I'm the best he's ever seen. He pleads with me not to leave. Not knowing better, I stay. We don't do anything else, but I stay with him. ANd I begin to feel sorry for him. But! When I excuse my self to the restroom, I hear more sounds, and when I return I find him in bed humping a beaver hand puppet and chanting (between barks) "Daddy's got some wood for you!"

I run out of there with my purse wearing only my underwear. The next day I find eleven messages on my machine half consisting just of barks. And a few weeks later, I get the puppet in the mail with a note reading, "we missed you."

lmao

#51- Real Dates From Hell!

When I was in college, I worked at a very popular discount store (its name rhymes with Small-Cart) and met a fellow employee there who worked in the Electronics department. He told me that he was a music education major and currently lived with a roommate (female) and her two children. After talking to him a few times, he asked me out. Since we were both off the next day, I agreed and suggested that we get together during the day rather than night (I always prefer doing things during the day anyway).

Since I lived in the country (my house is hard for many people to find), he gave me directions to his trailer and asked to meet him there. When I found his home, I couldn't believe that soumeone would raise children there.... it was beyond filthy. They were eating dry cereal off a shredded, stained carpet, there was an open milk carton sitting on the kitchen counter, the whole trailer smelled like burnt grease, and the children had no bed. Nothing but a twin-sized mattress on the laundry room floor.

He comes out wearing (this is absolutely no joke) a torn T-shirt, swimming trunks, white knee-high socks, and black patent leather dress shoes. Ironically, I had spent some time deciding what I was going to wear, and now he shows up for our date looking like a mentally disabled man on hospital leave.

He infoms me that he has no money. Then, he tells me that his roommate > >needs us to buy some food for the kids' dinner, and he pulls out about $20 in Food Stamps. So, our plan was to take a nice walk in a neighborhood park, and come back late afternoon to get the kids (since he had to babysit them that night).

We go out to his car (I call it that for lack of a better word), and it is a total death trap. A nasty, rusted Pinto with plastic sheets over the busted windows. He said he had to start it up by holding the two ignition wires together, turning the key, and stepping on the gas at the same time. He also said he had no insurance or driver's license, so I told him we would take my car.

Even as I write this story, I cannot believe how nice and accomodating I was to this degenerate, but it actually gets worse. After an uneventful walk in the park, we go back to his trailer to get the kids. We take them to the store, get them some food, and go back. At this point, I am ready to go home, but he begs me to stay there just a little while longer, at least until he gets the kids fed and bathed. Against my better judgement, I say I will. So, I am watching T.V. while he does his babysitting duties, and then he puts them to bed, sits on the couch by me, and suggests that we go outside to screw in his front yard (so we don't wake the kiddies). I politely decline and leave.

The next day, he informed me that his roommate felt I was getting too serious and that he should let me know right now that he wants to date around. He make the fatal mistake of naming one girl whom we both worked with, and said he really wanted to have us both!

So, of course, I felt it was my duty as a fellow female to clue her in on exactly what to expect from going out on a "date" with this man. Hepromised her he would wine and dine her, take her dancing, etc. I guess no one has told him that restaraunts don't take Food Stamps!!

The last I heard, he ended up marrying his roommate because I ruined his reputation so badly at work that no other woman would even say hello to him. You know, if I were someone else, I would really hate me right now!!

Oh Lord, I think this one should win an award!!!!!

Yeah.... the real clincher was when he was so smug and confident that he could get this other girl and keep me on the side as well. I don't know who gave this pathetic creep the delusion that he could have TWO women at once, let alone one, but that person should be thumped like a ripe melon.

YAH!

i bought some pop rocks tonight amongst other things!!

hehe. me and my bro made wavs of the sound of the popping in our mouths. hehehe

email me if ya want it!!
electricblualice@aol.com