just cuz i don't have a hepititus ridden 32 year old penis dosent mean i should be treated any less!

"hey febe. its christina. i was wondering if you wanna go get some desert on tuesday. k bye."
- message my "best friend" christina left 8 mins into my shift.

FUUUuuuucck that. I ain't gonna jump to get those scaps of a friendship. She's been ignoring me since that bastard moved in. oh i see. I'm not good enough for movies, but im good enough for some fucking petty desert? pft.

"Hey christina its me febe. uh i wanted to go to the movies but if you want desert then i'm gonna have to say no. bye."

My day was heaven til i drove up the driveway coming pack from work. and guess who's car was fucking parked in THE FUCKING driveway, a white blaring sign of the apocolypse to come?

The fucking so called fucking "father" of me. pft. I was pissed. bastard was here. I had just come home from 9 fucking hours. i wanted to relax w/o pretense, FUCKING RELAX. and not thinking my mom was in her "fred is an allmighty god" mood, all day she's played house and pretended we were all a fake family. she dosent like to be taken out of that reality.

So i come in, bitching about his presence, snapping my mother back to reality. telling her i want him out, and that i'm going to tell him. she, not wanting to taint the "god" with negativity, talks to him and he leaves. the minute the door is closed,

"WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TALKING TO MY GUEST IN SUCH A RUDE MANNER. YOU DO NOT TALK TO YOUR FATHER THAT WAY. HE DOSEN'T DESERVE IT."

oh yeah i see how it is. riiight.

She proceeds to bitch at me, and im still in my calm stage. blah blah, her guest, her guest her guest. and at about this point, my calmness is going with that fucking idiotic monkey (mom) bitting off my FUCKING ears and breaking my back. im peaceful til u push me too far.

So i finally tell her.

"You have said that your relationship with your husband is very different and very seperate from the one i have with that bastard. i have every right to talk to him whichever way i choose too. God forbid i treat one inch the way he treated me (ooh damn. i didnt really say that last line but wish i did! but i was too mad to speak fluently)"

We fight, i cry, she cries when she brings up wot her fuck of a brother did to her. no way im mentioning it here, but trust me, its bad.

and of course, it all goes back to the father. EVERYTIME THIS BASTARD SPENDS A DAY HERE, IT ALWAYS ENDS UP IN A FUCKING FIGHT!!. hell, im grinding my teeth as we speak.

and the whole time, i miss the entire look back on conan o'brians past years on that 50 years of late night. BITCH! goddamnit. thank you.

so now im getting ready to take a shower. yeah an hour 30min after i get home and the only reason i wanted to wait til then was to see conan and thats gone. pft.

The arguement didnt go anywhere. i'd make a point, she'd miss it completely and state hers again. i'd disprove that, and she'd ignore it and state hers again(I SEE NO POINT IN ARGUING IF YOU ARE GOING TO WANDER AROUND IN CIRCLES. IT'S USELESS!! her and my father argue like that and neither of them care. so she's used to that. me, fuck no. don't bother to fucking argue with me if you arent going to open your fucking ears, bitch!!!!!!!) and she likes to pepper her speech by calling me an ass, idiot. she REALLY like to put me down these days.

yay. my dad leaves and dosent get to verbally mistreat me. have no fear! Mommy will sweep in and take his spot!! wot is it about me that both my parents want to cage and beat me down in one way or another? neither of them wont be happy til they have me broken down with the promise of me never rising again. (sigh)I dont understand it. they always leave my brother alone..but that boys so submissive, its sometimes scary.

So then i finally go take a shower. of course, now shes threating my aol. at one point, i come out, and shes in the process of signing me off. i tell her i'm d/ling stuff and to leave it alone.

I really don't trust my mother. I mean, i trust her with half my life, i belive she loves about 45% of me, and the rest she cant stand, but shes so damn sneaky. i dont trust her actions. she puts conditions on her love, it kills me. she'll be a total bitch to me until i break down and cry, then she'll love me for 5 minutes then tell me to grow up and go away. by the time i move out, i swear all my beloved thick skin will be nothing but bare bone.

So i shower, and by now, im pissed as fuck. then to make matters worse, as im taking a shower, it goes ice cold. the damn washer is on. i walk out of the damn shower, dripping naked, and scream, (im not wearing glasses either so add blind to the list)

"mom, can u please turn off the washer! or i'll do it my damn self."

nothing.

so feeling i warned her properly, i go and turn it off.

again, i was wrong.

she's screaming at me now, apparently shocked, despite the warning, and telling me to get the hell out.

i warned you, bitch.

now i cant stand the fact that I WARNED HER, and she was still shocked. now i'm seething.

Back in the shower, i cover my face with my hands and scream bloody murder, grind my teeth badly, finish showering.

Of course, shes bitching at me as im heading to my room. i close the door and play radioheads, sardines packt song.

"I'm a reasonable man, get off my case."

I'm blaring it and it becomes to the soundtrack to my feelings.

I am a reasonable woman, get off my case.

I dry off, and so so angry. I can't find a shirt so I throw all the clothes on my chair around my room. then i see the basket full of clothes all neatly folded. threw each clothes behind me with alot of force and grind my teeth as im doing it. the song is the soundtrack. my room looks like a tornado. and then i throw the basket against the door.

this causes her to come running and bitching. i tell her im just dressing. she thinks i messed up the door. little does she know.

i threw the clothes so hard, my arm hurts now. my teeth ache, i feel horribly uncentered and disjointed. i hate this. i cant argue anymore. im no longer a fighter, i enjoy being a peaceful hippie.

So i come out, make dinner, and my mom is on the phone talking to the bastard man. (she then gets off and says she aint taking me to the doctor. that is fucking cold man. i break down and start crying. i tell her she knows im scared and just bawl. she finally gives in. that would have been so damn cold if she hadn't)i bit my tongue. i wanted to shout loud enough to have him hear, "yeah. look who's shes talking to now. the bastard who started it all."
but didnt. i dunno why.

cooked me self some dinner. watched the cosby show with her. she leaves and i have a bad feeling. i go to her room and shes about to call aol to cancel it! fuck no. me and my bro pay for it. we get into it for a little bit. i leave, and take the phone after she threw it at me.

later she comes back and yells at me to give it to her. i try to throw it so she catches it but it falls. she yells bloody murder for me to give it to her.

"omg. wot is wrong with you?"

she takes a step back, and picks it up and leaves. as shes leaving,

"from now on, you and your brother are on your own."

oh, and tonight she mentioned more than once, telling me if i dont like it, to move the fuck out. ha.

and now we are here. oh!

today i was up at the service desk at work, and i was getting stuff from my department that was to be re-shelved when a hispanic woman came up to me (yes damnit. i look very hispanic. dark hair, dark skin) and asks me if i speak spanish.

red flag: she wants me to do something for her because we come from the same race. oh FUCK THAT. we may be the same race but i don't know you and im damn sure i don't like you. im the most whitebread mexican ever so don't u be counting on my pratically non-existent latino pride.

I say no. shes dissapointed. now she asks me if Her non speaking english friend can return her jeans. Her accent is too thick. i ask her to repeat wot she says. i look over to the long line of returns and get very irritated.

BITCH! she saw a brown skined girl, decided to walk all the fuck over to me, and try to get a deal and fuck over all the white people in line. she picked the damn wrong girl.

I tell her no. she has to wait in line in my nicest voice. she gives me a dramtic sigh and a pissed off fuck you look and gets in line.

JUST BECAUSE i look mexican, does in no way imply i speak spanish(i dont), will give u better treatment if you are mexican, do not feel for you because you are mexican, do not feel a kinship for you because you are mexican (i feel more kinship with a fellow beatle fan or good music fan, bitch), or will even talk to your ass. My parents raised me in a white neighborhood, with almost all white schools, and i grew up in an all white church. i'm more uncomfortable in a room full of mexicans, than i am with a room full of white people. belive me, i have every right too. i've had more predjudice from my own "race" than i have from people not from my "race." so there.

Well im sore, tired and achy and feeling all around shitty.

songs ive been listening too:

Incubus:
Blood on the ground
circles
mexico
under my umbrella
familiar
favorite things (live)
Prdon Me (acoustic)
Out from under (acoustic)
Linkin Park - one step closer
Massive Attack - teardrop
Ryan Adams - come pick me up
Nirvana with chris cornell - all apologies
Nirvana - down in the dark (rare)

i plan to see jay and silent bob..by myself donald bean:-)~

hold me back. im dying to see a movie this bad

the 2 high points from the USATODAY.com movie review for mariah(say farewell to your carrer and hello to the oldes circuit in 10 years) carey's movie glitter. this is the real reason why she broke down:

At one point the camera inexplicably leaves her to follow two burly furniture movers heaving a bed around a narrow hallway. It's as if even the camera operator tired of her one-note performance and sought distraction.

The movie's moment of truth may come when Dice asks Billie: "Do you really think that because you swing your — - — around and hit a few high notes that you're some colossal success?"

She has no answer for him.

oh dear god i wanna see this. i love bad movies. unintentional funny moments are the funnest things in the universe.

woo

so i woke up kinda not well.
did nothing til about 4.
went to see jeepers creepers at 4:45. it was awesome. scary as hell. i got extremely grossed out and was creeped out when i left. so it was extremely..

GREAT:-) i wanna see it again. and wait for the end of the credits people:-) one last creep.

anyways, me and my mom made up. we're fine now.

oh and the afterwards, me and my bro went to the library. i got a great site for research on my paper. and i checked out 2 books:

Jack Kerouac - on the road
Rolling Stones - The Beat Generation.

woo.

I'm tired. must be up by 6:30am.